To be honest, there’s going to be a lot of parts to this one. And I’ll say right now that I’m not going to tell you how to write one, as such, I’m just going to tell you how I’m going about writing my one then, if it makes it, you can use my template to write your own – who knows I may even commission you to write one of the episodes for season two! You’ve got to be nice though, and funny, and in to the same sorts of things that I am, because -
Write about what you know. This is a staple of any seminar given by those in the know – the scriptwriting illuminati – the seminoids, the inseminators, or deseminators, I think that should be. The people that give talks all over the country. The people that know everything there is to know about writing for TV and films, the inner secrets of Hollywood, but yet don’t seem to know that nobody has worn green corduroy for over fifty tears.
If Dr. Frankenstein were alive today and, instead of trying to create life, was trying to create socially uncomfortable, genetically weak hangers on, trying vicariously to assume a position of authority after failing to achieve their primary goal of being a fulltime scriptwriter, then these guys would be straight off the conveyor belt. For all I know he may well be doing that. And you better listen to me, because I know about this shit –I’m one of these people. I’m 99% nailed on to become a script guru – I have flat feet, a haircut from circa 1969-84 and a relentless monotone.
These micro-industries do fascinate me, I’ve got to say. Religion is another one, although there’s probably a bit more money in that. But if you look at anyone in a position of power in any dogmatic religion he will be a runt. Feel free to change that r for a c. If people really are expected to believe in an almighty God then why the hell spread the word through a human box of spanners. I’ve never seen such blatant advertisement of human inbreeding and the proliferation of weak genetic code as I saw the day the Catholic church had a march through my home town. No wonder they’re against evolution – they have absolutely no role to play in competitive natural selection. And why do they all have such flat arses? Were they taught that every time they have a sexual thought they must clench their anus, and over the years that has literally dragged their buttocks into their bodies? Would an x-ray of a priest show that 90% of their buttocks were now stored internally, like some monstrous fleshy iceberg?
We may never know, although someone should attempt to find out. Anyway, that’s enough, still haven’t got round to telling you about my ideas, will do that next time.